The New York Knicks continued to stumble through 2014 yesterday, dropping a 109-90 game to the Chicago Bulls. The Knicks are virtually out of the playoff race at this point, barring some unforeseen, unpredictable renaissance that’ll help the team finish with a record well above .500 over the final 22 games of the season. When looking back upon the 2013-14 NBA season, the Knicks will not be remembered or celebrated as one of the top teams of this season.
In contrast, the Oscars happened last night, as Hollywood gathered together to give itself one big toast. For four hours, the best in film over the past year was celebrated and commemorated, forever cementing the best writers, actors, directors, sound engineers, visual dudes, make-up people, and of course, the best films in movie history. Subsequently, the Golden Raspberries — AKA “The Razzies” — also took place to nominate the worst in film from the past year.
All of this got me thinking, if the New York Knicks players were Oscar films, who and what would they be?
Carmelo Anthony – 12 Years a Slave
Clearly the best in his class (as in this Knicks team). Dramatic, dynamic, powerful. When Carmelo’s at his best, he’s a joy to watch; he looks like one of the best players in the league, and people aren’t quite sure they’ve seen something better. However, when he’s bad, it can get pretty rough and hard to watch. Watching Carmelo Anthony on the Knicks, especially this season, can also invoke feelings of empathy and guilt. Still, he’s been the best.
Tim Hardaway Jr. – Gravity
Hardaway Jr. has been something of a surprise, and it’s almost been shocking how much attention and praise he’s received this season. When Hardaway Jr. is at his best, he’s really good. In certain situations, he’s a visual spectacle, gliding through the air on a fastbreak, effortlessly launching and swishing three-pointers. But he’s limited, too. For certain things, yes, Hardaway Jr. is really great, but when you try to take him out of his strengths or force him into uncomfortable positions, you can see he’s not really the best.
J.R. Smith – The Wolf of Wall Street
J.R. Smith last season was like Jordan Belfort in his prime. He was at the top of his game — taking care of business smoothly, effectively, enjoying the benefits later on. But eventually, we knew, it all had to come crashing down. Injuries, surgeries, legal trouble. Smith can be a force to be reckoned with, but could it ever really have lasted? 2013-14 J.R. Smith has been like Belfort’s fall from grace.
Tyson Chandler – American Hustle
In the beginning, Tyson Chandler lived up to his hype. For the most part, he’s been fun, and he still turns in some damn good performances. But recently, other players have surpassed him, and through his own flaws and just plain bad luck, Chandler isn’t the strongest piece on this team anymore.
Amar’e Stoudemire – Blue Jasmine
He was once great. Like, really great. Stoudemire was sitting on top of the world, enjoying life, leading the way for the New York Knicks. And then it all came crashing down. Like Jasmine, Stoudemire is still having trouble learning that he’s no longer elite, he’s no longer premiere; he might just have to settle for average.
Pablo Prigioni – Her
I just like to imagine Pablo Prigioni being in love with voice software on his phone.
2013-14 New York Knicks – Movie 43
The winner of Worst Picture at the 2014 Razzies. Yup, the Knicks are a hodgepodge of individual talents that don’t mesh, seemingly have no direction, guidance, or semblance of gameplan. They’re not even entertaining or funny. They’re just really bad, and like Movie 43, a lot of people saw it coming.
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