Top 10 Reasons I’m Devastated Jared Jeffries is Gone


Another great post from possible new Buckets writer Antony Marino:

10.Because Jared taught Wilson Chandler how to keep a single facial expression for 48 minutes straight.

The many facesface of ILL Wil.

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9. Because much like the Knicks themselves, we’ll never find out what would happen had he actually gotten Carmelo Anthony.

Eduardo Najera brilliantly representing irrational salary cap management in this metaphor.

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8. Because Jared made Chris Duhon seem like a serious 3pt threat if only by process of elimination

The definition of necessary evil.

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7. Because Jared taught Renaldo Balkman everything he knows about shot selection and on-court demeanor.

Calm down boys! You can’t let your emotions take hold of you out there.

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6. Because Jared made a simple layup attempt the most exciting play in sports.

”I’m due baby!”

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5. Because Jared’s contract turned Mike Breen from legitimate journalist into successful telemarketer.

“The little things Jeffries does on the court do not necessarily show up in the stat sheet  …or on camera  …or in person  …but  …BUYERS, CALL NOW!” Please… Donnie, don’t shoot! I said the bit! I did it, Okay?! We’ll get him traded.  I have kids! Please!!!!

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4. Because Jared took a lot of charges. Seriously. Good job, Jared. We genuinely really liked this about you.

The Michelangelo of controlled falling.

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3. Because only Jared’s facial reaction to a pass thrown his way can be summed up by the equation:

JJ= deer in headlights x (subject of surprise party + murder victim)

“So is it ‘one, two, three, PASS’ or are you going to pass ON ‘three’? I don’t want to be embarrassed out there, fellas.”

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2. Because one of my favorite comedic plotlines of the 2009 season was watching opposing point guards openly wonder, “Why is the 6’11 dude, who just lost the opening tip by eight inches and has drool stains on his jersey, now trying to guard me 1 on 1?”

“You’re not going to believe it, but this is actually EASIER than it looks!”

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1. Because having someone with two J’s in his name and none in his game was hilarious

…the first time it happened.

Wait, they did a remake of “Brewster’s Millions”??!

Tags: Antony Marino Carmelo Anthony Chris Duhon Jared Jeffries Mike Breen Renaldo Balkman Wilson Chandler

  • http://www.shattertheglass.com bgalella

    Umm, I don’t miss Jared Jeffries