Why We Get Hammered In The Paint, Exhibit A: David Lee ducks as Cav Anderson Varejao shoots, making Varejao look like he's two feet taller and has Nate Robinson's vertical leap (rather than the reality of him being only two inches taller and with a two-inch vertical -- but hey, this was a dream)

Knicks vs. Cavaliers such a nightmare it had to be just a bad dream

First, considering the amount of effort the Knicks put into last night’s game, I’m not gonna put much effort into talking about it.  After all, my Momma always taught me that two wrongs make a right.  Or was it that when the going gets tough, just pretend it never happened?  I forget, but it was an important lesson.

For those who don’t know, the Cleveland Cavaliers’ center, a large man by the name of Shaquille O’Neal, had surgery on his finger which is causing him to miss the next month or so.  In addition they traded away their back-up 7+ footer, Zydrunas Ilgauskas (although due to an odd loophole he’ll be able to return to the team in 30 days).  That’s not to say we should’ve expected the Cavs to be anything less than awesome, but it wouldn’t have been unreasonable to hope that we wouldn’t get quite as hammered on the boards since they also wouldn’t have a single seven-footer in their line-up.  No such luck.  They nearly doubled our rebounds, 60-to-31.

That is, if this game actually existed, that might’ve been what happened.  But as we all know it was just a bad dream.

Knicks bend over backwards to make it easier for Cleveland to score

Another odd thing in relation to the Shaq-absence in this imaginary game.  Everyone knows the Big Fella shoots a great fg% (‘cuz most of his shots are dunks or darn near the basket), but a godawful percentage from the free-throw line.  With him out, you’d think maybe the Cavs’ fg% would shrink a bit and the ft% would improve.  Of course, knowing the Knicks’ (lack of) defense, it should come as no surprise that we made the Cavs look like Magic Johnson’s Showtime Lakers, allowing them to shoot 56.7% from the field.  The bizarre part (which had no effect on the game) is that they barely shot better from the line, only managing 59.3%.  Maybe they decide to clunk the gimmes in memory of Shaq.  Then again, things don’t usually make literal sense in dreams.  Perhaps if we were to dig deeper into our psyches it would by some sort of symbolizing about how we try to place our failures on others, but really we must accept that those shortcomings are part of ourselves.

It’s tough analyzing non-existent games, eh?  Maybe I can start up a business doing it, where I’ll also look into players’ past-lives’ games too.  Perhaps David Lee was a Roman Centurion who was great at slaughtering others in the Gladiator arena.  Because he was so superior to the others, he was always on the offense, thus explaining why he can’t play defense.

Pre-game LeBron jokingly takes a underhand shot from half-court… and makes it.

Okay, enough of fantasy-land.  Instead I’ll leave you with this funny Nike puppet commercial of LeBron & Big Z (Zydrunas Ilgauskas).  For those who don’t know, the Cavs always have a big elaborate pre-game ritual on the court where like they pretend to take a team photo and do a thousand handshakes or something.  My favorite part about this commercial is that somehow they got away with a little racist throwaway bit where Z comes in & jokingly pretends to be a “typical Lithuanian” by asking if anyone wants to buy some pirated DVDs.  Oh, and don’t blink or you’ll miss the tiny George “Iceman” Gervin cameo.

Tags: Anderson Varejao David Lee George Gervin Iceman LeBron James Magic Johnson Shaquille O'Neal Showtime Lakers Zydrunas Ilgauskas

  • Wade

    Nice article, funny and on point. Good job!


  • MelG

    the only person i think will come to the knicks this summer is wade. he is unhappy with the heat. we probably be resigning like half of these guys(walker,sergio,lee,mcgrady and al)

    • http://bucketsoverbroadway.com Short White Boy

      Mel, I’m with ya that we’ll probably be re-signing those guys (although probably not Al ‘cuz I don’t think D’Antoni’s a big fan of him). But I dunno about Wade. I think he’d only come here if we got someone else to come too. And with the $ and lure of NYC, I bet we can lure others.

      • Patrick Allen


  • coach g

    Deliberately stinking for 2 or 3 years, yeah, that’s the way to interest a superstar. You could have had Lebron jersey night when the cavs played in NY last – give out cavs 23 jerseys before the game.

    D-West slammed in McG’s face.

    You got nothin but a persistent smell of loooooooooser!!!!

    • http://bucketsoverbroadway.com Short White Boy

      Hey G, be fair. We’ve stunk for MANY more than just 2 or 3 years.

  • diane

    D’antoni should be fired….he benches good players. He has his favorites(Gallinari)and others never play.

    • http://bucketsoverbroadway.com Short White Boy

      Diane, I’m not sure where I sit on the D’Antoni fence. He’s done a lot of stuff that I don’t agree with, but he also hasn’t had a ton of talent with whom to work. I think next year if we get a couple of decent players it’ll be easier to determine if he’s any good. But you’re dead-on with him playing favoritism, which I think is bizarre and has no place in an NBA locker-room (well unless it’s based purely on how good the players are — if ya wanna favor LeBron over Jawad Williams, I understand that).

  • MelG

    coach g please… the only reason the cavs r any good is because of lebron… if guys lose lebron(which i doubt will happen) u guys will be in the same in the same postion like the knicks…

    short white boy ya i agree bout the knicks not signing al… but what if we dont get any1 from free agency… i bet ill be seeing the same roster if that happens…

    this is what mike’s starting should be with the players we have now…

    C-Bender(atleast we dont complain about be undersized)

    i personally think the knicks should have gallo coming off the bench like last year. its better for the knicks if he does that. played much better coming off the bench…

    • http://bucketsoverbroadway.com Short White Boy

      Mel, I think even if we do get a big free agent that most of the guys you mentioned will be back next year anyway. So yeah, you’ll be seeing a bunch of the same roster regardless. But as you point out, like Gallo starting is one thing, but if he comes off the bench and can be your sixth man, that’s pretty good. Likewise Sergio is decent, but if he’s your backup point guard, he’s great. So hopefully most of those guys who are kept will just have smaller roles.

      As far as your suggestion for the starting line-up, I’ve got no problem with Gallo coming off the bench, but I’m not a huge Bender fan. He seemed to play hard and smart when he first joined the team, but now he seems like another version of Al Harrington to me. As soon as he comes in, he’s gunnin’. And he’s either gonna shoot the three or drive. And chances are he ain’t gonna pass it back once he gets going. Plus, even though he’s got the 7 foot height, he doesn’t seem to be much of a rebounder or defensive force (I felt Jordan Hill was much better at coming and helping on the boards since he was such a hustler).